Is sex addiction real?
Sex is a natural, healthy and enjoyable part of life. It can be a beautiful, happy and bonding experience. So how can it be an addiction? Aren’t people who say they’re sex addicts just making excuses for their lack of self-restraint and control? Don’t they just enjoy it too much?
We face these questions all the time. They come from a whole world of misunderstanding about what addiction is. Sure, it’s true that not every person who has an affair is an addict. And not everyone who’s watched pornography is an addict. And not everyone who has lots of sex with lots of people is an addict. Some people just have high sex drives, or just happen to like certain things. That’s fine, we’re not trying to label everybody as an addict, or create excuses for irresponsible or unfaithful people. But sex addiction does exist. And it’s different from generally high libido, in two major ways:
1. Once we’ve started, we can’t stop
For alcoholics, there’s no such thing as just one quick drink. For gambling addicts, there’s no such thing as 10 minutes at the casino. For sex addicts, there’s no such thing as “5 minutes of porn” or “just an hour in the strip club” or “just one partner this week”. There’s a whole variety of sexual behaviours that can be addictive – but they all share a common thread: whatever we’re addicted to, we find it impossible to stop once we’ve started. We’ll stay up to the small hours on the internet – we’ll empty bank accounts on prostitutes and lap dancers – we’ll suffer STDs from our involvement in sex work - we’ll have affair after affair – we’ll masturbate until we’re sore – and we’ll get up the next day and do it again. Once we’ve started, we lose control over how much or how long or with whom or when or where.
2. We can’t stay away, no matter what the consequences
The above would all be academic if we could just not start in the first place! If only the alcoholic could remember the disaster of the last time he drank! If only the gambler could recall with sufficient force the horror of the loan shark and the bailiff! If only the sex addict could remember the STD test and its shameful result – the painful discoveries and broken relationships – the jobs lost, the sleep lost – the pay-checks. Many of us have faced such consequences time and again. But they’ve not stopped us going back for more. It seems baffling to others – but all the terrible, humiliating things in the world don’t seem to cure the obsession. In fact, the worse ours lives become, the harder it seems to stop, and stay stopped!
Most people enjoy sex normally. They assume we enjoy it too – just too much. For us, that’s not always the case. Often our addictive behaviours leave us hurt, injured, demoralized, broke, despairing, and even suicidal. Yet no matter how often we experience these negative consequences – no matter how much we hate ourselves and what we’re doing – we always keep going back. Despite repeated and humiliating failures, there’s always one more attempt to control ourselves and enjoy sex as others do, and one more failure. That’s addiction.
Am I a sex addict?
Like an alcoholic unable to stop drinking, sex addicts are unable to stop their self-destructive sexual behavior. Our behaviors vary: compulsive masturbation, pornography, affairs, paying for sex or being paid, voyeurism, exhibitionism, unsafe sex, abusive sex and much more besides. Family breakups, sexual diseases and other health consequences, financial disaster, loss of jobs, and risk to life are often the painful themes of our stories.
We come from all walks of life – we are ministers, doctors, homemakers, factory workers, salespeople, secretaries, clerks, accountants, therapists, dentists, politicians, to name a few. We are men and women – young and old – gay and straight – of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. None of these dividing lines mean anything to us – because they mean nothing to the disease – and we have come to believe that it is a disease
Some of us also struggle with other addictions too like drugs, alcohol, eating disorders and compulsive gambling. Most of us didn’t know what was wrong with us – or that our condition had a name. We often thought we were just dirty, or bad, or unworthy people – we didn’t realise we were suffering from a real and treatable disease.
We made up excuses. We minimized our problem and told ourselves that “everybody is this obsessed with sex.” We denied the harm we were doing. We made solemn vows to ourselves and others. We were often depressed, some of us thought of suicide, some that they were losing their minds. All we knew for sure was that we wanted to stop, but couldn’t
If you’re in doubt – check these questions at the International SAA website.